I've been thinking about this blog lately.... How I miss it. How I miss writing down all my feelings and experiences. In the past whenever I've had hard times or troubles I've written about them, but this time in my life has been different. I really don't know why. I have had more hardships, trials, and just plain old bad stuff happen to me over the last 5 months. I've also had the most amazing experiences with God that I've ever had in my life. Why haven't I written about them? I've always gotten so much love and support from the blogging community and other adoptive parents. All I can figure out this time is that I needed to learn to rely on God alone. I needed to learn that instead of writing everything down and calling my best friends that I needed to go straight to Him....Straight to the source of all strength and comfort. God has taught me so much about myself in these last few months and has given me a glimpse of who He intended me to be. I still have A LONG way to go, but I'm on my journey. I'm on my path. At times I've stumbled over fear and doubt, but He keeps pulling me back up. I'm going to try to tell you all some of what's happened to me over the next few posts. I don't know if anybody will read this, but I know that I'll be happy to have it one day.
I shared a while back that God had let me know that there was another baby for us. I fought against it harder than I've ever fought God, but He showed me through much prayer and time with him that he was trying to give us the biggest blessing in the world. Once I accepted it I had such peace. I felt such urgency at the beginning...like I had to get stuff done NOW....it couldn't wait. I had to do all I could in my power to get things ready. So. I did. He led me directly to our attorney that we had gone to church with a few years before, and we knew we were where we were supposed to be. At that time I honestly felt that God would seriously be dropping a baby on my doorstep at any moment.(I still don't doubt that could happen, but my feelings about it have changed tremendously).
Since August we have had 2 failed adoptions, 1 match fall through, and we've been scammed by an adoption scammer. We have totally drained our adoption account through these situations. Nice huh? I had never been so sure about God speaking to me in my life. I KNEW what he had told me, but I was so utterly confused and disillusioned by all the things that were happening around me. With each of these experiences I went through times of serious doubt and confusion that I KNEW weren't from God. I couldn't understand WHY all these things were happening to us, and I know that I will never understand. I don't need to. I never doubted His unending love for me or the promises he made. I think as Christians we all go through the times of, "WHY GOD? WHY is this happening to us?"...especially when we are doing His will. It's taken me time to digest a lot of what happened, but I learned that the devil comes after us the most when we are truly living for God and desiring to do his will. The closer we get to God the more threatened the bad one gets, and he unleashes all he has against us. Of course he does. Does Satan want families living godly lives? No. He'd rather see them torn apart by sins of the world. Does Satan want orphans to find families. No. Of course he doesn't. Everytime one of the fatherless comes to a Christian family Satan knows he's lost another one. He doesn't like losing. I've actually told him several times out loud that he may has well scamper away. He's not getting me or my family, and he's certainly not keeping me from the plans God has for me.
With each of the losses so many people remarked that if it was God's will then it would have happened. I trust God and know that he didn't want to see us hurt over and over, but I disagree with that viewpoint. As I questioned God about these things He gave me answers. The thing is, God DOES have a perfect plan for all of us. Does God's will always happen? No. It doesn't. We live in a world of free choice. If God's will always happened there would be no pain. No sadness. No orphans. No hurt. No sin. Every one of us has choices to make each and every day.... to do his will or our own. We are all given the opportunity to choose. Those of us who love him strive to make the right choices, but ALL are given the chance to do the right thing. It's up to us to have God's will done on this earth. We are the vessels. All of us...believers and unbelievers have to COOPERATE with God in order for his will to be fulfillied. Regardless of belief EVERYONE has the knowledge of good and bad inside them. They KNOW that they are or aren't doing the right thing. People KNOW when they are being selfish. They just don't care that they're selfish. They let their selfish desires rise above what is best of anyone else including their children. I have seen SO much ugly on this journey.... ugly I didn't even know existed. I have also seen beauty from the ashes. I have seen God take all that ugliness and use it to bring me closer to him. As I've experienced pain over and over I've also felt more love than I knew was possible. God's sweet perfect love has picked me up over and over. I know that some people close to me have questioned why we keep going forward. Can't we see that God really doesn't want us to adopt again? Haven't we learned anything from these things that have happened? Can't we see what God's really trying to tell us? I wish I could make them understand that although I know they love me those words mean nothing to me. I choose to trust man or God. I choose God. I choose God. I choose God today, and I will choose God tomorrow. I'm learning to trust and grow in the times of quiet. I'm learning that he is the lamp unto my feet. If I follow that light I can't get lost. That doesn't mean that I won't experience hard times and pain. Quite the contrary. When we follow that light we are subjected to ridicule and suffering. Darkness doesn't like the light, but darkness doesn't understand that it's impossible to put that light out. That light will never go out.... That light will shine for eternity, and I am so thankful that beautiful light is here to direct me where to go. I'm going to share over time where the light is leading me. I'm going to share all of it. The good. The bad. The beautiful. The ugly. The joy. The despair. All of it. I know that at the end of this journey there is ultimately a brighter light and SO MUCH JOY. I know that God is blessing our family and will continue to do so. I know God has a plan for us. A plan for us to prosper and not be harmed...a plan that has a hope and a future. I honestly am looking forward to EVERY step along the way and am joyfully expectant of all the good he will continue to bring. I don't worry about the bad and the ugly. He can handle that all by himself.... I choose not to be burdened by the bad and the ugly. I choose joy. JOY. Joy is goooooood. Don't you agree?
I have done A LOT of sewing for the girls… These are just a few things I’ve made.
The girls in this year’s Christmas outfits:
Essie with her DS purse I made for her:
Fun peasant top out of some saved Heather Ross fabric. I love this picture of my Essie