Here I am. Sitting in front of this computer with a big story in my heart, and I'm not quite sure how to get it out. I quit blogging for a while, because it was too hard to share my emotions with the world. After the adoption scam and failed adoption I couldn't grieve in public. I had to heal in private with my Savior. He was the only one who could heal me.....and heal me He did. I will always be thankful for all the things that I went through on this journey, but this story is not about the past and the hurts. It's about my present and future and all the joy that is coming my way. It will take me a while to tell this story. It may come in bits and pieces...it may come in between other things.. I don't know. All I do know is that God made it clear to me a while back that this isn't my story. It's HIS story, and He trusted me with it, because He knew I would share it and give Him the glory. I only hope I can tell it in the way He wants. I'm praying for guidance and for His words, because this isn't ABOUT me. It's isn't ABOUT a baby. It's not ABOUT my family. It IS about God.
After all the bad things happened I want to make it clear that I NEVER lost my faith or trust in God. I knew that He would make happen whatever He wanted to happen. I just lost focus of what that was. See. When God makes a promise to us He always keeps His word. He doesn't change His mind. It was hard for me to grasp. As soon as He led us to adopt again things started happening like crazy...Things that weren't from Him...things that were meant to stop us on this journey...bad things. And Bad things don't come from God. My pastor was preaching last night about how we all have a “Goliath” in our path. Let me just say that I had about 10,000 Goliaths in mine. The devil used every fear and past sin behavior I had in his attempt to make me NOT trust God and move forward. Of course he did. Satan never fights harder than when we adopt children. Every time a Christian family adopts a child he loses another one. He put up the biggest fight I have ever gone through. During the battle I started to doubt myself. I didn't doubt God. Maybe I had just misunderstood what He told me in my bathtub all those months ago. Maybe He used that to put me in place to stop the scammer...to advocate for the baby...to speak to his father in jail about Christ's love for him. I didn't know. All I knew was that since Adrian's adoption didn't go through NOTHING had happened. No leads on babies. No words from God. He was very quiet where the adoption was concerned. Last May Andrew and I decided that we were done. We talked ourselves into believing that God had released us from the adoption...I laugh out loud as I remember that moment. Actually I would like to go back in time and slap the crap out of both of us and yell, “Get over your stupid selfish selves!!! This isn't about you and YOUR comfort!”, BUT because we quit worrying about the adoption (which we shouldn't have done anyway) we had 4 glorious months of just being us. Our family was just our family, and we were thankful and content...well, we THOUGHT we were content.
During this time I was as close to God as ever. He continued to show me things about myself and allowed me to grow in Him. He had already proven to me that He NEVER leaves my side, and that He is always there to comfort and heal me. His Presence was as close and real as always.
Now let's fast forward to August 17. It was a Saturday, and we were all laying around in our pj's. I had left my phone in the back for a couple of hours. When I went to get it I had tons of texts and missed calls from my attorney. “Where are you LOU??” “LOU CALL ME”. “Lou a birth mom has chosen you guys”. WHAT??? WHAT???? After all this time and our decision to stop, and NOW a birth mom chooses us?? Do we want to even THINK about this?? What do we do? This part of the story will be an entire post in itself, but for now you get the picture. Shock. Picture shock. Picture total shock, a freaked out husband, and me on the phone with Natalie. Now picture God's amazing Grace and Mercy flowing down... and His peace... ahhhhh His peace.
There is so much that fills in this space, and it will take forever to tell, but the most important thing is this little face.
Meet Hudson. Meet God's promise. Meet God's grace and mercy and peace all rolled into one precious little soul. Meet my son. Oh friends! God is SO GOOD ALL THE TIME. He NEVER changes even through all my doubt, worry, and selfishness. His plan stays intact. It's just up to us to trust and follow. We've chosen to trust and follow.
This is only the beginning of Hudson's story. I made a commitment to God that I'm not stopping the telling of His story until He stops me. It doesn't matter how long it takes or how busy I am. God has done some amazingly fabulous things over the last 6 weeks for this family, and there are more to come. I'd love it if you'd commit to tagging along and witnessing Hudson's journey. I know that God has something special planned for each and every one of you who chooses to do so. How do I know?? Because He's already told me He does. He's prepared each and every heart of the people He wants on this journey. He TOLD me He has prepared hearts. This isn't for me. This is for YOU. Search your heart and see if God is asking you to come along. I have my hand extended to you and am more than happy to pull you along, and God?? God is always ready, and He is ready now.
I love you guys,