Have you ever noticed that there are times when you can’t get one thing done in an hour, and there are also times when an hour seems like a year with 100 million things accomplished? I want to talk about an hour. The hour I want to talk about will probably be more than one post. I’m going to write about it, until I feel like it’s time to stop. A lot happened in this hour.
Remember in the earlier post when I told you that the day we got “the call” I had left my phone in my bedroom? One million things happened from the time I picked my phone up until we actually walked out the door to meet Alex. Have you ever been blind sighted by something?? You know those times that something happens, and you just don’t know where to put it? You hear words. You know what the words mean, but you don’t understand that those words are for you. You are overwhelmed in less than a second by words that TOTALLY change and redirect your life. We have a choice in that moment. We can trust selfish predictable scared selves, or we can reach out and take that perfectly scarred Hand of Jesus and let Him pull us to a new place in Him. I’d like to tell you that in that instant I immediately went for Jesus, but I didn’t. I retreated to that safe place inside of me that I had created. There was a safe place inside me that had walls built around it…the walls were there as protection, and I know that God put some of those walls in place to protect my heart….not because He didn’t think I could handle anything else, but because He loves me so much He didn’t want to see me hurt anymore. Once those walls were there they were mine… I could choose to keep them in place, OR I could choose to let God throw a few sticks of Jesus dynamite and blow that wall to smithereens… When things are happening like this we don’t see the choice this simply….all of the pieces of overwhelming stimulus are coming at us like arrows… one after the other after the other after the other. Each arrow shows us a completely different scenario based on fear, uncertainty, confusion, rage, selfishness, pride, vanity, SELF. God doesn’t shoot arrows at His children, but we know who does. So….. What does a girl do when she’s being attacked by 10,000 fiery arrows, and her husband is in the other room even more freaked out than she is??? She calls her best friend.
Oh my sweet Natalie. I will tell you that tears started flowing at the first word of that sentence. My Natalie. My gift straight from God. My sweet darling Natalie who has held my hand through every step of this way…. My Natalie who has had to hear more pain and grief in my voice than anyone should ever have to hear from someone they love. My Natalie has grieved with me. She has held me up. She has prayed for me when I couldn’t pray for myself. She has believed in me when I couldn’t believe in anything. Even though is she many many miles away physically her spirit is ALWAYS here with me. It’s funny, because when I call her sobbing I usually start with, “Don’t freak out but……” or “NAT!!!!!”….. OR “a lot of incoherent sobbing that sounds like
to which she always replies without fail, “Oh hun”. Oh hun. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard that and just what comfort and certainty come from those 2 simple words. I’m sure you’re thinking that immediately Natalie screamed at me that there was no decision to make….that I was supposed to immediately go meet this girl, BUT Natalie doesn’t operate that way. She is the mish to my mash. She is the potato to my patatoe….the tomatooooo to my tomaaaato. LOL. She is ying. I am yang. Yet we fit perfectly together. Since we are ying and yang, Ying has felt the same pain Yang has felt, and she doesn’t want Yang to feel anymore unnecessary pain. You guys know the tip of the iceberg when it comes to situations and possible babies thrown our way. Natalie has been on the Titanic the whole trip. YET. After her initial shock she is ALWAYS able to take a step back and just listen…just process…. I know she is praying constantly as these things happen and seeking guidance. I know that she secretly wants to come throw a big cloak over me, so the pains of the world can’t hit me anymore. I know that she wants to come get me and take me to Target for a Diet Coke and just pretend like this isn’t happening to me, but she doesn’t.
In the over 5 years that Nat and I have been best friends she has helped me make every monumental decision and a million tiny day to day decisions. Sometimes she just listens until I finally get it myself, BUT most of the time she feels very strongly about situations one way or the other. This time she just didn’t know. We didn’t know. We both just sat on that phone and cried, while I am trying to find God’s path for me and my entire family in a few short minutes…. When we are like this we may not be on our knees, but I know our Father is with us. He hears us. He guides us…. He leads us.These conversations are honestly some of the most precious prayer times you can imagine, and I trust what comes from them without hesitation.
Oh my Natalie. My precious Natalie. I thought this post was going to be about the decision I made that day, but instead God led me to share with everyone the way He helps me make the biggest decisions of my life. When I am beside myself and can’t even just BE with Him for all the arrows flying He sends me a shield in the form of a precious blond haired Mormon from Utah. He sends me my soul sister. He sends me the one whose spirit I’ve known all my life without knowing it. He sends me my Natalie.
My dear Natalie, I love you more than words can say. You know what you mean to me, and I know what I mean to you. I do want to take this minute just to thank you, although thank you isn’t enough. Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me even when I may not be the most lovable. Thank you for ALWAYS trusting the Spirit in me and NEVER once thinking I’m crazy (well besides my constant crazy)… Thank you for listening to our Father and holding my hand through all the roughest seas I can imagine. I’ve told you many times that I don’t know what I EVER did to deserve you, and I know that I don’t. I am so thankful He gave you to me anyway. This journey is beautiful now, but thank you for navigating all the mountains, valleys, rocks, and boulders that we’ve had to go through, over, and around to get to this spot….and what a sweet spot this is. The only day that will be better than bringing Hudson Roberts Lynn home will be the day that I hand him to you, Natalie Roberts.
“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us” 2 Corinthians 1:4. You ALWAYS give me comfort. ALWAYS, and I KNOW that comfort comes straight from God Himself.
I love you. Jonk.